Polly Want a Graham Cracker?

 

Okay, I get it. Maybe Dems shouldn't have asked ACB about her religion. Although, in that case, her religion was why she was nominated. It was the red elephant in the room.

But for some not-so-mysterious reason LG decided the way to make a point about it was to inflict suffering on KBJ. Give her a taste of someone else's medicine. A hapless target who, under the circumstances, could not defend herself. How handy. Kind of like the cat some people kick when they're mad. But unlike that cat (who can get away with screeching at least) Judge Jackson could not display a scintilla of anger.

Kind of like my laptop or television when I'm screaming at them. I can vent my anger without worrying about their feelings because they are inanimate OBJECTS! Their only recourse if I inflict violence is to break. 

Senator Graham poured a little syrup on his verbal pill, but unfortunately it came in a bottle of Southern DisComfort and did as much to soften the blows as a grain of sugar on the tip of a jackhammer. The term jackhammer is apt because, like Shingles, it doesn't care. LG didn't care what KBJ had to say. He drowned her out.

Interrupting is dominance behavior. For me, with Sensory Processing Disorder, it's almost physically painful. It feels like a train derailment inside my head. It's why I'd rather write than talk. And why I could never survive an interview with Chris Matthews. But irrespective of how it affects the recipient, the message is clear: I'm in charge.

The Republicans expressed a lot of outrage over how BK & ACB were treated in their hearings. I'd take that more seriously if they were outraged by how Obama was disrespected by TFG with the birther crap. Nobody asked Kavanaugh to show his birth certificate. Although it would have been understandable to card him to make sure he was mature enough to imbibe alcohol.

They tried to paint KBJ as "soft on crime." Their faux outrage would have been less hypocritical if they had expressed similar outrage over the pardons of Manafort and Stone. Or the pussy sentencing of some of the guys who tried to execute a coup against our duly elected leader, and who inflicted bodily and mental harm on law enforcement officers doing their job.

Their self-righteousness would be funny if they didn't leave such human devastation in their wake.

The Shill Who Lied Bull

 

  Can you guess who is the subject of this piece? The lyingest liar on the lyingest network? Who, if he said a tornado was coming, we would recline on our lounge chairs in the back yard?

  I just saw a clip of him oozing righteous indignation because he and his ilk are being called tools of Russian propaganda for shilling the latest conspiracy theory - that the US & UA have collaborated in developing bio/chemical weapons. 

  (*It's just a "coincidence" that Putin is spouting the same thing.)

  The foil hatters love the secret labs narrative. After all, there are so many novels about it, it has to be true. Actually, I'll bet there are secret labs in the US, or at least discreet labs. I would be dismayed if we weren't prepared for the eventuality of a biochemical attack. But I wouldn't want them broadcasting their location and level of danger. Can you imagine if the aliens who are kidnapping and probing humans found out where those labs are?!

  Memo to Huckster Adolf'sson: If you lie all the time, only suckers will believe you.

  Unfortunately, one is born every minute.

  That means since I was born there have also been born 38,368,800 suckers! P.T. Barnum didn't specify where they are born, but sadly a good chunk seem to be in the US. At least 3.6 million of them. That's FOX viewership. 

  It is only mildly comforting that the total of those who watch MSNBC & CNN is 3.9 million. There could be millions out there who don't watch TV at all because they didn't pay their cable bill. Or threw their TV out the window in a blind rage when trump lost the election. Or when their MAGA hat got mangled by the cat, who mistook it for a sunburned rat. Or because they lost a nose to frostbite while waiting at midnight for a non-existent bus to bring them back to their own vehicle after a February trump rally in Minnesota.

  Life without a nose is tough. The other guy's fist can make unobstructed contact with your face. There are no hairs to block out the COVID particles when you're not wearing a mask. And when you laugh while drinking milk, it goes right to your brain.

  But I heard a rumor that TC was thinking about having his removed, so nobody would know when he's lying. But, Tuck, we don't need a Pinocchio metric, you can't escape your history. Or Putin's. If you're saying what he's saying, you're LYING!

“Convenient mythologies require neither evidence nor logic.”

― Edward S. Herman,

Manufacturing Consent: The Political Economy of the Mass Media

It's Not Over Til The Fat Cats Go Skint

 

Putin's obsession with Ukraine can't be understood on a rational level. It must be perceived within the paradigm of a love affair, and sadly (for him) his passion is unrequited. 

This writer has obtained the transcript of a phone call between the Russian leader and an intelligence agent posing as an Advice-for-the-Lovelorn columnist (who understandably wishes to remain anonymous, so will be referred to as X).

X - Dude, she's just not that into you.

P - She just playing hard to bed. But love conquers all. I will conquer all!

X - It sounds like you can't take a hint.

P - She gives me cold shudder because she wants me.

X - She has been independent for a long time.

P - Absence makes the heart go fondle.

X - Show her you love her - stop the bombing.

P - All's flare in love and war. So what if I carry torch and wear heart on sleeve.

X - Be careful it doesn't catch fire.

P - It is already on fire! With burning love. I will show her! I will play trump card!

X - No! Not that!

P - If at first you don't sew seed, lie, lie again! Love means never having to fake you're sorry!

X - It's better to have loved and lost --

P - Lost?! Not better! NO! NEVER! (shaky breath) I just can't quit her!

X - What do your friends say?

P - What friends?

X - The oligarchs aren't your friends? The generals?

P - Wait, they are knock on door now ...

X - Vlad? Is that you opening a window? It's winter! Vlad! Vlad?

END CALL

*****

Hitler lied shamelessly about himself and about his enemies. He convinced millions of men and women that he cared for them deeply when, in fact, he would have willingly sacrificed them all. His murderous ambition, avowed racism, and utter immorality were given the thinnest mask, and yet millions of Germans were drawn to Hitler precisely because he seemed authentic. They screamed, “Sieg Heil” with happiness in their hearts, because they thought they were creating a better world.” ― Madeleine K. Albright, Fascism: A Warning

Who's Cross in the Hoosegow Is Grist for the Pander

 MTG is complaining that the J6 insurrectionists are being treated worse than the prisoners in Gitmo. I don't how she went about obtaining a pass to interview the Gitmo prisoners, but I have obtained a transcript of a telephone conversation she had with one of the J6 perps. And I have to say, it's laudable that she keeps in touch instead of disowning them.

MTG:  How are you feeling?

J6P:  A little cranky.  I have to share the TV with a hundred other guys, who will put a shiv in your back if you get up to change the channel.

You don't have a remote??!!

They keep getting stolen so ...

You have to get up to change the channel?!

Yeah, the other cons make me get up to change it for them. This is oppression. They wanna watch Law & Order for legal tips. Meanwhile, I've missed 11 episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

It went off the air in 2017.

I know! But they don't have On Demand here!

I'd be cranky too. 

And my ankle itches where the leg irons rubbed it.

They keep you shackled?!

When I'm being transported for my hearings and appeals. If this were a free country I wouldn't have to deal with that shit.

Do the other prisoners get shackled too?

It's pretty shitty in here for all of us.

But you don't deserve it. You were following the commands of the Commander in Chief!

Right!

No wait, you thought you were.

Right! That's what my lawyer says, but --

No buts!  Your motive was patriotic.

Yeah, I was pissed.

About the election fraud.

Well, yeah, and masks and background checks and the pedo pizzas and --

THE ELECTION FRAUD!!

Okay okay!

Say it. Say it so you'll remember: ELECTION FRAUD!

Election fraud.

With feeling this time.

ELECTION FRAUD!

Now spell it.

E L E K S H U N F R A W D

Good! Now. how many times have they water boarded you?

You think this is a day at the beach? Besides I wouldn't surf under pain of death. I'm afraid of sharks.

No, I mean torture. Where they hold your head under water.

Why the fuck would they do that?! I'm not Middle Eastern! 

They're claiming you're a domestic terrorist.

Hey, hey! My mother does all the cooking and cleaning. I'm not some liberal cuck.

It's not like you're violent.

Right! 

Like the BLM thugs.

(long pause)  Big Loud Mouths?

Black Lives Matter.

They sure do. 

Huh?

But I only tell little white ones.

Never admit that again.

None of it was my fault. That flagpole was handed to me. That cop left his taser where I could grab hold of it. My girlfriend wouldn't make chili dogs on Thanksgiving. That's unAmerican! So it was her fault.

That you went for a tour of the Capitol?

That she ended up in the hospital.

Tell your lawyer to make sure --

Yeah, yeah. Indismissable.

Speaking of chili dogs, how's the food there?

Oh Barfborough! Puke Precinct! Vomit Village! Toss Cookies Town! I made that last one up.

Very creative. So give me some examples. Moldy bread?

How would I know?

Green fuzz?

Oh, I thought that was pickle jelly. That's what my mom always called it.

What else? Instant mashed potatoes? 

Yeah!

Unpeeled apples?

Yeah, and it's not like they come with peeling knives. You have to eat the peel!

Okay, I think I have enough here to make my case. 

To get me off?!

Why would I do that?

You're on my side, right?

You really don't get it, do you? 

One Man's Need Is Another Man's Price Gouging

THE REVANPUBLICAL BIBLE: Chapter One

From the Gospel according to Mitch

The preacher had 5000 followers but wanted more.

An aide came to him and said, "Your followers are hungry."

The preacher raised his eyebrows. "Can't they just go to their fridges and --"

The aide shook his head, "They're here. Not at home. Actually here."

"Well, that's a little scary." He paused and added with a gleam in his eye," Maybe not." Tapping his chin, "This could work for us."

"What about feeding them?"

"Didn't they bring their own snacks?""

"No, should we order pizza?" 

"For 5000? They will all want different toppings and then argue about how much they have to pay!"

"You want them to pay for it?"

"Of course! We've got to manage expectations. Give 'em free food once, and what will they want next? Free advice?"

"They're starting to leave, you're down to 4,831 ... "

"Do something!"

"Well, there's a kid with five loaves and two fishes. Maybe if they share --"

"NO! NO SHARING!"

"You're down another --"

"Wait! Here's the plan. Bring me the loaves and fishes and I will sell them to the highest bidder."

"He could do that himself."

"He doesn't have the platform. I do. But I'll give him a cut if he promises to get me more followers."

"But the only one you'll be feeding is the rich guy."

"Yeah, it's called the Free Market. Survival of the Vicious.  Stick with me, kid. You'll learn a lot."

The aide nodded and checked his watch. "We're going to be late for church."

"Not to worry, it doesn't close until 4:00. Make sure you sell your fish futures."

All Over But the Shucking

Rick Scott recently said, "We’ve met every single goal to beat back the Virus, we’ve finished the hard work that Donald Trump started, and it’s clear that America has beaten COVID."

There's so much wrong with that statement. First of all, who is "we"?

Rick, Ron, Don, and the Grim Reaper they play golf with?

He better not mean the American people, because I did not give permission to be included in any group that includes him. I'll call myself an American pork chop before that happens. Although I'd prefer he be categorized as an American pimple.

Then there's the hard work that (TFG) started.  The hardest work trump ever performed in relation to the Virus was getting dressed for the pressers. Unless you count the synapse activity it took to come up with the bleach suggestion. Thinking for TFG requires more neural energy than for most because of the detours away from truth the process has to take. The path may be well worn but it's quite labyrinthine.

Now on to the whole concept - the underlying predicate of having beat back the virus. As if it were a rabid raccoon you have forced with a baseball bat to retreat into a neighbor's yard, where it will lie in wait until your ignorant back is turned. 

He refers to every single goal. I infer from that that there were many intervening goals. Perhaps collectively accomplishing the final goal of disappearing the raccoon. 

Based on what has occurred in Rick's state, one of the intervening goals was eradicating the virus by eradicating the population. As if the residents were raccoons that could be beaten back into pens where the rabid ones would bite the other ones - the baby ones being the likeliest prey. The raccoon metaphor serving well since raccoons mask their eyes vs. their noses and mouths. If they masked their mouths, see, they wouldn't be able to bite and infect any other raccoons. Or humans.

Another intervening goal appears to be the brainwashing of half the population. Not with soap and water. With the proverbial koolaid dispensed by atavistic sociopathic megalomaniacs. Or, to use a more clinical term, greedy incompetent, tantrum-prone Cro-Magnons.

For it to be clear that America has beaten COVID, one would have to be aboard a space ship in orbit where,  if you gaze down at our big blue marble, from thousands of miles away, you won't see any COVID at all.

 

Slick Words Out of a Fowl's Rear

 

If you're feeling apathetic, get a dose of outrage by checking out Ron Johnson's Twitter feed. A feed that feeds at the trough of trump ether like a succubus sucking out the souls of prisoners.

Recurring themes in his regurgitated ether are Afghanistan (the new Benghazi) and the vaccine mandates. Both registering in the RED zone on the Mendacity Muck Meter.  His framing would earn him a diploma in the Republican Academy of Mindfuckery (RAM).

Afghanistan, of course, is somehow all Biden's fault (even though Biden is like a guy handed a sieve for a scoop and choppered onto the bow of a sinking ship), Ron's frame a tiny square that contributing factors prior to January 20, 2021 won't fit into, even if dehydrated into a fine powder.  

As far as vaccine mandates, Ron is collecting "heartbreaking stories" from health care workers - not about patients dying because they wouldn't get vaccinated, but about healthcare workers being victims of "attack on their healthcare freedom," being coerced or suffering from fear of reprisal for refusing treatment.

Yo, Ron! The vaccine is not a treatment. It won't cure you if you're already sick. It's prevention. An ounce of which is worth a pound of cure!

The words/phrases I italicized are the trigger words. Taken together they elicit an image of some hapless little candy striper being strapped to a gurney against her will and subjected to electric shock therapy for a broken ankle, under threat of the Gulag if she resists.

Quite a tricky spin on what is a reasonable job requirement for close contact with patients in a hospital. If you don't want to get vaccinated, don't! Just get a job working from home! Don't force your recklessness on the rest of us.

Can you imagine if being a firefighter didn't have a fitness requirement? They'd be dropping a lot of folks from the top of the ladder the neighbor had to haul off the truck for them. They'd have to use watering cans instead of hoses. But at least their right to stuff themselves with Doritos wouldn't be violated.

Once again Ron's frame is miniscule.  It doesn't include even one of the almost 700,000 deaths of which very few were among the vaccinated. It doesn't include the scenario in which an unvaccinated-against-smallpox nurse on the maternity ward where he was born could have changed the course of history, not in his favor.

Speaking of frames, one in which Ron Johnson doesn't fit, even if shrunk by Rick Moranis, is that of responsible leadership.

I wish there were a vaccine against propaganda.

Leave No Zone Unprofaned

 

You know how dogs have to pee on trees to mark their territory? TFG or TGF (The Golden Fleecer) exhibits the same behavior. Except he considers pretty much the whole planet as his territory, including and especially women's personal alcoves.

There were areas he knew nothing about, but he couldn't just leave alone for the experts.

Like the pandemic. He had to piss on it, use it to solidify his base, no matter how many suffered in the process. Immigration, foreign relations, all the agencies - he had to leave his mark. 

He pissed on heroes and Gold Star families.

 And sure enough trump couldn't resist pissing on the Bible for a photo op.

The word "holy" means "set apart," as from the tawdry day-to-day commercialism that drives us. As many "keep holy" on their Sabbath, remembrance of the dead is considered set apart. Nobody hawks hot dogs at a burial ceremony.

Like Shingles, trump doesn't care.

He pissed on the CIA by talking about his crowd size in front of the wall displaying symbols of their martyrs.

And he pissed on 9/11 yesterday by hawking a boxing match. Although it would have been much worse if he had attended any of the memorials. 

He pissed on 9/11 soon after it occurred, by bragging that his tower was now the biggest. And he pissed on it with his habitual lying. He claimed to have been down there helping, bringing others with him.

If trump was indeed down there, he was looking for wallets.

If trump brought anybody down there, it was a photographer to get pictures he could copyright and use for merchandise.

If he were around in the time of Noah, he would have tried to sell Noah the rights to use his name on the Ark. And God would have told Noah it was an offer he should refuse because even hyenas wouldn't want to come aboard.

He and Jr are now pushing some claptrap about Area 51. Demanding to know what's there. TFG was president. He could have asked then. Although the Deep State guys might have kept it a secret from him because when the aliens are exposed to ammonia they tend to enlarge and go on a rampage.

Intertwined on the bRandwagon

Two lines of a song from the Fantasticks (an off-Broadway show that ran for 42 years) go like this:

Why did the kids put beans in their ears? 
No one can hear with beans in their ears.

This lyric keeps coming to mind when I'm on Twitter and tweeps on our side keep asking WHY.

Why do the trumpies eat deworming paste?
I doubt they do it cuz they like the taste.
It makes them run to the john with undignified haste.
There are so many facts they haven't yet faced.
Trying to tell them is such a breath waste.
Why do the trumpies eat deworming paste?

As Spock would say:  Humans are not logical, ergo it is illogical to expect them to be logical.

Once you get that old fart logic out of the way, you can see the hapless herding horizon of human behavior. There are two major socio-political herds. The need to identify full bore with one's own herd is unarticulated but compelling. Recently, their herd (heretofore somewhat loosey goosey) has experienced a greater cohesiveness, and with that a sense of power. 

The red hats, confederate flags, mask-bashing, vaccine-invecting, election-doubting, gaslight-basking, FOX-watching, bleach-ingesting behaviors help establish that identity. The glue holding it all together is HORSE PUCKY! Lies, mendacity, sham, canard, deceit, fallacy, bunk, hokum, fraud, flimflam, hogwash, perfidy, libel, sophistry, evasion, dupery, and trumpery.

Folks who actually speak the truth are ostracized - fired, banished, disowned, trashed, deep sixed, disappeared etc. They are a danger to their herd, because to pull on that thread could cause it all to unravel; to stumble and miss one goosestep is to put the whole parade in jeopardy.

And individuals, most of all, can't tell the truth to themselves. Whether it's a row of dominos or a stack of blocks or a house of cards, to doubt one delusion is to put the whole structure of the psyche on shaky ground.

Picture the human mind as a house:

Ego hangs out on the main floor and Superego in the attic, The cellar is the subconscious where Id skulks around, messes with the plumbing. and reads girly ammo magazines.  Id puts in earplugs when Superego comes to the top of the stairs to start nagging. Which is most of the time. And sometimes Id comes up the stairs and they fight for control of Ego. In some folks, more often than not, Id gags Superego, handcuffs it to the bathroom sink, and convinces Ego it would be a great idea to dress up like Fred Flintstone as the Grand Poobah and, along with the rest of the herd, storm the Capitol.

Despite the consequences, the psyche is still holding steady. Ish. The psyche, albeit in jail, is metaphysically still part of the herd. But while Id is lamenting prison food, Superego chews through the handcuffs, goes down into the cellar, turns on the lights, and starts throwing shit out, oblivious to the fact that the original columns supporting the floor above have been ravaged by termites (with names like Atwater, Rove, Limbaugh, Falwell, Gingrich, Hannity, and Carlson). What had replaced the columns in their supporting role, were the stacked-to-the-ceiling trashy magazines, which Superego is feeding into the furnace. Until the floor collapses and Superego is knocked out when a refrigerator lands on it. And Ego, still in its barca lounger, is flailing around getting sucked closer and closer to the sump pump.

Why did the kids put beans in their ears?
No one can hear with beans in their ears.
After a while the reason appears.
They did it cause we said no.

Termite Damage

Chips Off the Old Crock

 

Imitation is the best form of flattery. And McCarthy seems to be flattering TGF (The Golden Fleecer) by imitating his penchant for lying. He better be careful, though, lest his idol perceive it as a competition to replace him in the Grifter's Book of World Wreckers as the teller of the most lies.

There are a lot of horses in the race, none of whom are likely to win. In the tangled web of Republican deceit, trump still reigns as the Spider in Chief. Sure McCarthy lied five times in a seven-minute interview. Trump would have lied at least 20.

They had to create a special category for Lin Wood. His latest rant about Walmart and Target selling "fetal tissue parts food" is an indication that either he owns stock in their competitors or somebody spiked his koolaid with LSD. I can't help but wonder what would have sparked that hallucination. Some shopper with a baby dropped a jar of artichoke hearts?

The GBWW (Grifters Book of World Wreckers) puts him in the category of GORY.

Now Madison Cawthorn joins many in the GBWW category of CYRA (Cover Your Republican Ass) with his insistence that the Capitol rioters were mostly 'normal people' who were 'kind of wandering in'.

As a former comic, some advice I can give him is to be more committed to his material - "kind of" is kind of mealy mouthed. Which makes them sound kind of uncommitted, which they would argue with vehemently even if it adds years to their sentences. Speaking of which, Cawthorn claims they are political prisoners. To which I would reply, "If they represent your politics ..." never mind, STOP FUCKING GASLIGHTING US!"

And, let's see. Gym Jordan tops the list in the Hummina category.

But back to McCarthy. He's in the news for threatening comm companies with retribution if they comply with a court order to not destroy their phone records. He claims there is some law against it, which there is not. And note - the records aren't being subpoenaed to be turned over. Just not destroyed. His threat actually breaks a law while claiming the request breaks the law. Which is kind of playgroundish, right? I'm a rubber and you're glue?

 Why doesn't Kevin just put on a neon orange jumpsuit and climb the Empire State Building with a flag declaring, "Guilty of SOMETHING!"

Meanwhile, we who have inquiring minds want to know: HTF did this happen in America?!

I'll tell you how:

At some point in the late 60s, a giant lizardlike creature laid eggs in a creepy basement somewhere in D.C. where they could be kept warm by the likes of Atwater, Cohn, Gingrich, Falwell, and Rove - waiting to hatch when the Lizard in Chief took office. They were able to take over the bodies of regular people because as infants they looked kind of like cheetos. Actually, a lot like cheetos. The Golden Fleecer (TGF) sent out a homing signal that activated lizard activity in their lizard brains pulling America back in the direction of primordial times.

Yeah, I watch a lot of sci fi.

Flair and Ballast

 

If you saw the movie version of The Office, you will know what I mean by Flair. In case you didn't: Jennifer Aniston played a server whose employer required the waitstaff to display a lot of it on their uniforms. Flair consisted of badges and buttons and whatever else could be pinned on a pair of suspenders without causing a safety hazard, like a ribbon that could get caught in the milkshake rotors.

If I were a patron of the place I might wonder, on some level, what the Flair was supposed to be diverting my attention from.  The fly in my soup? The bats hanging from the ceiling? Or the old guy in the corner booth with the binoculars and notebook.

Somewhere in the 70s, the Reich managed to propagate the myth that the press, because it was telling the truth about Watergate etc., had a liberal bias. Since then the press has been training in gymnastics so it can lean over backwards and stick its head up its ass to prove otherwise.

They have been applying the Seesaw Principle. (No, it doesn't mean they go see what's happening so they can report that they saw it.) The principle is derived from the physical properties of the playground apparatus which consists of a long board placed over a fulcrum, so that a person on each end of the board can go up and down if they are of somewhat equal weight and push off with their feet.

As we all know, it won't work if a Sumo Wrestler sits on one side and a toddler sits on the other. The toddler will remain up in the air at the mercy of the Sumo wrestler.  To balance the board, ballast is required. The ballast needs to have Flair (distracting badges) to keep attention off the Sumo wrestler.

So let's say you have an insurrection on one side and a blooper on the other. To balance out the Sumo insurrection, the media creates balance by adding more toddler "news" to the other side. Like ...

... the president's dog bigger problem than previously reported

     (Badge: I have sources inside the White House)

... deciding while at Camp David

      (Badge: what's he hiding from?)

... tripped ascending stairs to plane

     (Badge: no country for old men)

... picked a dandelion for wife 

    (Badge: she must have been pissed at him)

The problem arises when another Sumo wrestler joins the first one and the press has to run around looking for more toddlers for ballast and meanwhile miss the action when a horde of wrestlers pull the board off the fulcrum and go on a rampage destroying the playground.

No Clue Inside the Cuckoo's Nest

Louie Gohmert has asserted that birds explode when they fly over solar panels. One would expect that any living thing would explode (or melt) if flying too close to the SUN (if they made it that far without oxygen), but his theory seems predicated on the false assumption that solar panels reflect the energy of the sun, when the truth is they absorb it. 

He could perhaps quell the laughter by providing evidence. Granted it might be difficult to catch the event in process, but even evidence after the fact would do -  some feathers, feet and beaks stuck to the panels with bodily fluids. 

More likely than evidence of exploding birds, what you'd find is evidence of birds with explosive diarrhea . Nothing to do with the panels, just that in birds explosive diarrhea is a chronic condition. At least when they're flying over my car.

I assert that birds are in much greater danger of being captured by Right Wing scientists (yes, I know, oxymoron) to figure out how the avian species gets its shit to come out WHITE! 

I suspect the truth is that Mr. Gohmert attended a wedding and threw rice. And along with admonitions from other guests that the custom is to throw it at the bride and groom (not the priest) he received more vehement admonitions that the custom is now out of favor because birds tend to mistake the rice for tiny white featureless insects, not knowing they would explode as the rice expands in their little bird tummies. 

I can just picture Louie picturing the birds with the rice in their tummies and wondering how the rice could expand without boiling water and then picturing the birds flying too close to the sun. And then a little (solar powered) light bulb appeared over his head as he came up with the idea of a theory that would not only cover his ass by blaming the exploding birds on solar panels but own the libs by blaming the scenario on climate change believers. Thus feeding two dogs with one bone.

Pumping the Shark

 

An article in Salon* proposes that disinformation serves an evolutionary purpose, citing examples in the animal world of creatures using deception to survive. Deception is, of course, a factor in the ruthlessness required for Survival of the Fittest (the Social Darwinist position of Republicans), "fittest" being a state of optimum ability unhampered by considerations of morality.

Some species thrive as individuals, some in herds. Humans are definitely of the herd variety. Even hermits shun behaviors that would sully their reputations as members of the bona fide hermit class - use of deodorant, teeth whiteners, LED lights, or bling. (In their case the belonging is more ethereal than interactive.)

With regard to interactive groups the article states,

 "You identify three functions of information sharing:

1. group mobilization for conflict,
2. coordination of attention,
3. signaling commitment."

The information need not be true.

Reading this it occurred to me that an exciting lie is more effective than a boring truth. Especially in this society where entertainment is a bigger industry than education.

The trouble with rational arguments is that if the argument is accepted, it leaves the previously deceived with no herd to join. The categorization of the alternative herd as "libturds" is superglued to their prefrontal cortex . So maybe we should tempt them to form a new herd by waving a currency they can relate to: conspiracy theories.

But before injecting our own benign blarney into their ether, we need to cut off the competing sources - the merchants of mendacity, the corner boys of crock, the candy mans of canard, the mongers of fishiness. Of which the most guilty is FOX "News" - the prime Hawker of Cognitive Harmaceuticals.

FOX needs to be discredited in their eyes. So stuff your rational arguments into the Goodwill bag. We need to climb in through the cellar of their brains with our Trojan Trove of Truths.  Hiding inside a giant hollow replica of a Foxy Moron.

Yes, a FOX character ubiquitous as a sleazy snake oil salesman in graphic novels, TV shows, social media, and merchandise - e.g., a talking stuffed animal that (like Kevin McCarthy blurting out the real reason for the Benghazi hearings) says things like "I like dictators! Dictators are click baiters!"

Then once FOX "news" has been removed from the chessboard of anything worth paying attention to we swoosh into the vacuum with our aforementioned Benign Blarney narrative.

For example:

Somewhere in a secret fortress lives a hybrid clone of (Karl Marx & Nurse Ratched? Chairman Mao & Bride of Chucky?). Its goal is to kill off true patriots. We can give it its own pronoun, hert (he/her/it), and start with easily accepted propositions:
Hert wans to outlaw sex. Cloning doesn't require this transaction.
Hert wants to ban country music and Nascar racing.  Just because.
Hert wants to control your beer intake. (We can get Kavanaugh on board with that). 
Hert's opponents need to form a brigade, The Lite Brigade, with divisions named Miller, Bud, Coors etc. They should wear yellow cowboy hats like the guy in the Curious George books.
Hert uses facial recognition software, so a mask? Don't leave home without it

Now that we've gotten them to take off their red hats, they might be open to the idea that hert is responsible for the Corona virus. Aren't true patriots the ones who are dying from it? Hert has other viruses in the chute. Its method of dissemination is through gun powder. So it's okay to keep your guns, just don't fire them.

 Hert must be destroyed. 

Since hert craves smog like Garfield craves lasagna, hert must be deprived of it. Clean air is its kryptonite. The only way to find the fortress is to lower the sea level by reinstating the icebergs. Sounds impossible but America can do anything it sets its mind to!

*  https://www.salon.com/2021/08/08/a-terrifying-new-theory-fake-news-and-conspiracy-theories-as-an-evolutionary-strategy/ 

TODAY'S QUIZ

Which of the seven foxes looks most like a snake oil salesman?

Looking a GRift Horse in the Mouth

 

A rule of Tums for listening to Republican cant is to apply the GOPposite Principle - their verbal stampedes are not only elephantasies, they are usually the other side of the phrase coin - in other words: they speak with forked tusks.

With balls as brass as the tacks we get down to, they claim to be pro-life while refusing to ban automatic weapons, legislating AGAINST public health measures, and obstructing food assistance, safety regulations, sex education, justice, preparation for climate change, and ... what was that other thing?  Oh, yeah, HEALTHCARE!  The one thing they don't obstruct is the Death Penalty.

According to Einstein  (not the one who formulated the Theory of Relativity, but the one who pronounces his name Ein-steen), you can't be pro-life and a Social Darwinist at the same time, unless the lives of the fittest are the only ones that count in the equation. In that case, the square root of GOP = 2,000,000,000,000 x the value of PAC to the 10th power.  Power being the $ignificant variable. Which they prefer to exercise at a distance, making use of torque to keep their hands looking clean (from a distance).

It's called the Theory of Relevant Hypocrisy.

They love the idea of small government a lot more than they love born children. 

They love being the Tough On (some) Crime party more than they love justice.

They love the idea of (some) Family Values more than they care about families, especially migrants and refugees, or the ones torn apart by gun violence, medically induced bankruptcy, unjust imprisonment, and homelessness.

They call Jingoism Patriotism and what they love most about their country is not Equality and Justice, but the opportunity to enrich themselves on the labor of others.

So applying the GOPposite Principle and the Theory of Relevant Hypocrisy to these things they want you to think they're for and what do we get?

Pro-Lie, Pro-Lucre, and Pro-Leverage.

TODAY'S QUIZ

Which elephant wasn't invited?

The Tot Squalling the Blocks Aren't Stacked

Ted Cruise is like a guy driving to Cancun, who ignores the directions provided by his GPS, gets lost, and winds up in Vancouver. When he consults his GPS again, he learns it will now take 5 times as long to get there. So he curses the GPS for telling him one thing one day and something else the next. He flings it out the window and screams, "Don't trust the GPS!"

Reasons not to follow GPS directions:

a) your crazy uncle knows a secret shortcut

b) the female voice sounds like Hillary Clinton

c) aliens can intercept the satellite signal and direct you to Roswell

d) Bill Gates something something

e) it's your constitutional right to get lost even if you're driving a packed schoolbus and trying to outrun a lava flow

f) following directions is for pussies and libturds

g) Mother Nature is on your side and will guide you better than non-organic gizmos

h) you don't need no stinking badges, or maps

i)  you want to prove your patriotism

j) you want to prove you're smarter than the brainy nerds who programmed the gizmo

k) gizmo sounds like Gitmo

l) life is like a movie and a helicopter will rescue you just in time

m) life is like a movie and getting lost will be an adventure and bonding experience, even if the hitchhiker you just picked up is an escaped serial killer with Ebola.

TODAY'S QUIZ

Which of the following is more trustworthy?

You Can Sell More Lies for Money If You Go for the Jugular

 Right Wingers are indignant that Tucker Carlson got accosted and insulted while shopping. Can you imagine if the guy had hit him on the head with a fire extinguisher? Sprayed him with toxic chemicals? Dropped a tire iron on his foot? Squashed him against the wall with a zamboni?

Can you imagine how Carlson would feel if all his listeners reacted with contempt? For him! If they dismissed the attack as a minor incident enacted by a grumpy customer whose intent to insult him "got out of hand."

That is how Carlson describes the insurrection on January 6 - "a peaceful protest that got out of hand."

"Getting out of hand" is what happens when a teenager whose parents are away throws a party, guests bring not weapons but controlled substances, and someone drives a car into the swimming pool.

If  uninvited guests show up in full tactical gear, having planted bombs around the patio, and beat the residents and invited guests to a bloody pulp, that's called a home invasion.  If someone dies as a result of their injuries, it's called murder.

But Dr. Carlson, who is a medical examiner in his spare time, insists that Brian Sicknick did not die of his injuries. It was just a coincidence. Like it was a coincidence that the unguided tour of the Capitol happened to be on the same day as the certification of the election. Like it was a coincidence that TFG happened to have a rally that day when all those people in tactical gear showed up for their tour.

Colonel Carlson also mocked Sgt.Gonell's response to a question, describing how January 6 was worse than Iraq with the comment, "Because actually what happened on January 6, according to video, did not look a lot like Iraq. It’s not Fallujah.”

No of course it's not Fallujah! It's Washington D.C. HOME! Where you are not expecting to be in hand to hand combat! Where you are restrained from using your weapons. Where you are not outfitted for battle. Where it's so-called Americans who are attacking you! Where you are outnumbered 45:1. 

Where the tradition of the peaceful transfer of power held fast until that day.

This would be a good time to bring up Carlson's reaction to the mob that attacked his home in 2018. Well, actually, it wasn't a mob. It was according to Alan Pyke from Think Progress, "... less than 15 people chanting in the dark, with a tambourine."

Well, okay, I guess a tambourine could be a weapon of mass frustration if you're trying to sleep. 

Tucker claimed they cracked his door. Witnesses say one protestor knocked three times. So ... cheap flimsy door? Cops reportedly laughed off the claim.

Tucker claimed they threatened to pipe bomb the house, while the mention of pipe bombs was about those sent to others as part of the violence and white supremacist terror Carlson had been inciting.

Notice a pattern here?  When he's the victim,  it's overstated. When his side are the perps, it's dismissed.

I think they taught that at trump U.

TODAY'S QUIZ

Which crack hurts the most?

A Sock and Shill Story

If America were a camel and Republican lies were straws, the camel would be in traction right now. Calling for a bedpan.

Kevin McCarthy recently said that Democrats do not believe in the Rule of Law. From which we might infer that he thinks Republicans do.

But we'd be wrong to infer that. Kevin doesn't really think within the paradigm we think thinking works. He hails magic carpets like an escaping hostage - standing in the vehicle's path waving his gag rag.

An indication of how the Republican party thinks is that the closest McCarthy came to tanking his political career was the one time he told the truth.  In defense of some accusation that they had dropped the ball, he boasted that the Benghazi hearings were predicated on Republicans' desire to bring down Hillary. He was quite proud of that strateegery.

But he's learned his lesson. This magic carpet is straight from the Goebbels playbook. "Accuse the other of that which you are guilty." But the thing about magic carpets is they are the stuff of dreams. You wake up and they go poof! 

And there you are on the steps of the Capitol in your socks and boxers, a dozen microphones coming at your face like a Space Force of mini Bezos' rockets or a swarm of phallic shaped murder hornets, realizing you left your dog whistle under the pillow you got free from the MyPillow guy in exchange for a plug at your next press conference.

And the hornets are buzzing questions like:

Why won't your party support security funding?
Who do you think will be the next person in trump's orbit to be arrested?
Do you think Flynn should have been pardoned?
Do you think Roger Stone should have been pardoned?
Do you think Manafort should have been pardoned?
Do you think Weisselberg will flip?
Do you think Barrack will flip?
What do you think the investigation into the January 6th attack on the Capitol will discover about Republican leaders' involvement?

And you're looking up at the sky for a magic carpet or praying mantis, but all you see are drones taking pictures of the holes in your socks.

TODAY'S QUIZ

Which of the following mantises is riding a magic carpet?

Trickles Are Chancy

 

How did Trickle Down Economics become a selling point for the Republican party? I guess it's slightly preferable to "YOU GET NOTHING!" Or "Let them eat cake."

It is probably about the most honest thing they've ever asserted. Even the most brazen of them didn't think the electorate would fall for, "If we don't tax the rich, they will pour that money down upon you like Niagara Falls."

It does trickle down and that's a problem. A trickle is a trickle.   And what does trickle is more likely to trickle down to the car valets in Dubai. Then there's the rest of the reservoir being dammed up in overseas banks, where American home buyers and small business entrepreneurs can't borrow from it. Or sip from it, to maintain the damp metaphor.

It also isn't raining bucks down on our National Security, Public Health, and Infrastructure. The defense budget for 2020 was around 721 billion dollars, to which they contributed nada. So we're paying for them not to have their mansions requisitioned by Russian invaders for an interrogation HQ. 

I'm not a professional psychologist so I won't delve into the mindset that integrates the proposition of a fickle trickle into an attractive political paradigm.

Oh screw it!

Whoever falls for that believes ...

... the purchase of Greenland comes with the Brooklyn Bridge.

... when the Martians landed at Grovers Mill in 1938,  they inseminated a dinosaur and that's where Big Foot comes from.

... the National Forestry Service can reverse climate change by altering the earth's and moon's orbits, as long as they rake the forests first. 

... trump was reinstated on August 13 but the Fake News media won't cover it

... drinking bleach not only cures COVID and windmill induced cancer, but whitewashes all mentions of slavery in the history books.

... Elvis is still alive and being held hostage in the basement of a pizza parlor.

... you can't get pregnant from a rape if you close your eyes and pretend you're just riding a unicorn.

... the vaccines make you magnetic but only with spoons, not TV cameras.

TODAY'S QUIZ

Find the trickle in the pictures below.

Is That Screw On The Other Foot?

 

A doctor friend of mine called me last night. Here is how the conversation went:

Doc, you sound tired.

Tell me about it.

Well, your voice is low and --

I can't take another minute of this! We admitted 97 patients with severe lacerations from sharp metal objects flying at them.

Ah, the magnetism thing.

From the vaccinations, yeah. One guy had both feet stuck in a lawn mower.

Brutal.

And all the patients keep getting stuck to each other. Well, not to each other but collectively to the same large metal object.

So they're not practicing metal distancing.

And I'm not immune. I have a clip on my shoulder and a brace up my sleeve.

If only it affected our personalities instead.

I've got scalpels stuck to all my fingers, so I can't ... you know.

Masturbate?

No! The Charmin thing.

Ah, I wish there were something I could do to help but I've got a toaster stuck to my nose that interferes with my vision.

Toaster or not, don't go anywhere near your car.

What car? It got stuck to a meter maid three days ago, and I haven't seen it since.

Stay away from low flying planes.

Or I'll be jet behind the ears?

And jazz clubs.

Yeah, I'd end up with a horn in my side.

They've got to do something!  All the computers have gone haywire. If they keep vaccinating people the poles will reverse.

If only people had drunk bleach instead. I'm afraid the moon is going to come crashing into us.

I don't think that's possible.

It is if we say it is.

TODAY'S QUIZ

Which of the following should you avoid if you are suffering from the Magnetic Attachment side effect:

By Hook or by Foot in the Door

  At a recent CPAC event, Madison Cawthorn said that Biden's health care workers coming to homes to vaccinate people could also be out to grab Americans’ guns and Bibles. 

Not sure whether he meant the workers would threaten to take the guns and Bibles unless the dude opening the door got vaccinated, or whether the vaccinations were a ruse to get in and take the guns and Bibles, or whether they had decided that since they were in the neighborhood they might as well take the guns and Bibles - pinch three birds with one syringe.

Whatever. Who the heck would want a Bible with all references to mercy, love, peace, healing, service, and truth redacted?  Much more likely they would want to seize the dude's copy of Mein Kampf, the updated version that broadens the goals of the Final Solution and includes a very short list of useful nicknames for smearing an opponent (little, crooked, lyin') along with a recently discovered letter from Josef Mengele to colleagues detailing the efficacy of bleach as a cure for verboten memory issues.

Not that they're into book burning. They would just want to install a chump-proof latch, lest a poisonous substance find its way into the body politic.

And what would health care workers want with guns? The dude may think that his guns protect him from the virus but health care workers know that of the few things the guns will protect him from, Chronic Old Age Syndrome is the most likely.

Questions to ask yourself when vetting strangers at the door:

Do they seem more interested in my flat screen TV than my Bible?
Are they wearing jackets with FBI on the back?
Are they proffering a huge bouquet that hides their face?
Does the bouquet have a wire sticking out of it?
Do I hear a ticking sound?
Are they selling signed-by-the-author copies of the updated Mein Kampf?
Can they accurately answer the questions:
     What was the name of your first pet?
     What was your grandfather's maiden name?
     In what model car did you first have sex?

TODAY'S QUIZ

Which of the pictures below depicts an approved method of administering a vaccination?